#27

It's Monday night and I have been in one hell of a funk all day long. More like depression. I don't know why exactly well it could be alot of things  but I know one thing that is not helping and his name is Ed. He is watching hockey and every time a player doesn't play right he yells, and I mean yells at the t.v. and it is getting on my nerves. In fact HE is getting on my nerves big time. I am so way beyond sick and tired of his lazy ass lifestyle. I know, I know my life is what I make it....blah, blah, blah and "you picked him" blah, blah, blah. Today I wish I could be anywhere but here. A cabin in the woods or a shack on the beach or a hut in the desert or better yet a gorgeous hotel room in some place tropical. Just me and my dogs.  I feel the need to break out of this rut real freakin' soon or something is gonna give. He is talking non-stop to the t.v. to every thing that annoys him. He swears and insults the show's host and mostly in a really nasty way. Currently he is swearing at Shirley Maclaine. Give me a break! -he just dropped the c-bomb. I don't know if he is losing it and I really don't care at this point. With both of us having been out of work for so long I have gotten a real taste of what he prefers to do if given a chance. Guess what? it is three things:
watch tv, eat, sleep and then start all over again. I can't believe I got myself into this mess. By mess I mean living so long with a man-boy who won't even put the trash out on trash night. It has been said that you don't get what you want you get what you need. That may have been true at one time but my needs sure are changing and this lifestyle ain't gonna cut it. I am sorry I don't owe him or anyone else my one life on this earth. Even though he thinks I owe it to him and the reason he thinks I owe it to him is just because HE wants it that way. My feelings are just....well, not as important. I guess.
As for my vegan quest I fell off the wagon tonight (with cheese mostly) and I am just trying so hard to self medicate myself out of this really bad mood that I ate too much and I ate what I shouldn't have eaten.  The good thing is I am staying away from the farm animal flesh without much difficulty at all. That part was easy. Seafood, not so much but I will get there eventually... the point is to not give up and keep my eye on the prize. I have no cravings for eggs anymore which is really good because I have always had a major love affair with all things egg-y. I mean when this girl ate eggs she ate eggs! I would think nothing of scrambling 6 of them up just for me or boiling up 4 or 5 just for me.... or frying up 3 with the yolks all nice and runny and dipping my buttery toast in all that golden goodness. It helps that I don't bring them into the house anymore.  There may come a day when I have the right set up for a few chickens of my own and I will again enjoy eggs but my hens will never end up on a dinner plate once they stop laying. They will just be retired little old lady hens allowed to live out their years scratching around my garden to their heart's content. Then again to be truly vegan one doesn't even own hens much less eat their eggs.
 Food for thought.

#26

I am up at the crack of dawn...well it's a little after 5 am on a rainy, windy Sunday and dawn is not actually cracking since it is so cloudy. But I had to get up as my headache was just getting too hard to ignore. I woke up at about 4 and couldn't get back to sleep, tossing and turning with this migraine. I am obviously in need of some detoxing otherwise  I would not have developed this headache which I woke up with yesterday. Between the recent alcohol intake and the chinese food I overdid it. Time to cleanse. Time to cut the crap and get real.  I believe it takes a few days for the chemicals in chinese food to get fully eliminated from the body. Especially when someone such as myself has not even reached their detoxification goals yet. Today I will eat as clean as possible and drink copious amounts of water with fresh lemon. In fact I can't wait to make my next green smoothie but my bananas are just not ripe enough yet. I must get into the habit of scheduling my banana purchases better. One thing I can enjoy today is a big delicious salad with plenty of organic ice burg lettuce. YUM. :-) I will also try to make a raw dressing today. Gotta keep it high raw, high organic and ALL VEGAN. Yeah BABY! :-) The ibuprofen is starting to work it's magic and my headache is dulling down quite nicely. I don't like taking it but hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

#25

I am saddened deeply that I gave in.
 I gave in to the idea to try out a new Chinese restaurant. I ate my fill and some of it actually tasted delicious-at first. Now I wish I could regurgitate it or turn back the clock and be strong and say NO!
NO WAY! NOT ME!!! I don't eat that shit. It's shit afterall. Not too happy with myself but once again learned some more along this journey. What I was reminded of is the powerful food additives, chemicals and flavorings that hook you like a drug dealer giving you a free taste next thing you know you just want it. You know in your brain that you shouldn't but those few short moments of intense taste bud pleasure await and beckon with a force that is sometimes stronger than you. I am gradually gaining the strength I need to turn down those cravings with swift precision without letting the cravings overtake my real desires. My real honest to goodness, God knows it, heart of heart, soul of soul desire is to live today and everyday for the rest of my life as an ethical vegan. Please God give me strength to never give in again. I thank you.

#24

Today is Tuesday and I finally colored my hair after having put it off for the last week. I must say I really dislike the whole affair for many reasons. First off, the toxins in hair color are numerous. The one I used this time was from Loreal and I know for a fact that they have, and probably still do, test their products on animals. Right there I should boycott their products and I do except for the hair color. :-(
Also the toxins that get washed down the drain and end up in our waterways after I wash the chemical concoction out of my hair. I am on the brink of going au natural real soon... but if I am to land a job I can't be going in to the interview with alot of grays. So I just have to deal with it as they say.
As far as eating goes I still am not where I want to be (80/10/10) low fat raw vegan, but I am doing a pretty good job avoiding animal products, more than that I am educating myself as much as I can on living in a truly peaceful, non-violent way. I had to prepare supper for Edward tonight and I used some ground up organic turkey in his dinner-it won't be long before that's going to start being a problem. I mean the cooking of meat. I really don't want it in the house. Maybe I can wean him off the majority of meat meals. I will try that is for sure. :-)

I took a good long walk tonite even though I have "Harriet" and am finally able to really embrace exercising again. It feels so right, finally, to be able to work on me. I am keeping my eye on the prize.
Peace.

#23

Today is Friday and it has been a very good day so far physically and mentally. I have had plenty of energy and even took a really, really long walk (a 2 hour walk). The only animal products I had today were a tiny bit of milk in my coffee and some canned tuna on my supper salad that I am eating right now. The tuna tastes like one step above cat food. The texture of the tuna is completely pulverized bottom of the barrel flavorless garbage. The brand name is Chicken of the Sea solid white packed in water and I must say not only do I feel somewhat guilty but the guilt wasn't even worth it!
If I hadn't mixed it into my salad I wouldn't bother finishing it but I will have to discard the whole salad in order to get rid of the so called tuna. I did toss a few croutons on my salad and they probably have some dairy or egg derivative in them. I need to learn how to make vegan croutons and keep them on hand. The tomatoes in the salad were from Mexico so I washed them extremely thoroughly with warm soapy water. They were very good.
Tomorrow is  one of the 2 days that Haymarket is open and I am going to get up early and drive in to the city to load up on produce. I can get twice the produce for the same money as I would normally spend at area supermarkets. Last time I went I scored organic broccoli for a buck a bunch. VERY sweet deal. :-)
I have been eating plenty of fruit but definitely need to up the veggie intake to help displace some of the cooked food I have been leaning on.
On a different not I am looking forward to joining the workaday rat race again and especially the part about the paycheck. Work can either be fun or drudgery depending on your attitude. I'll take the fun attitude. :-)

#22

It is now April....and time is flying by as usual. I haven't stayed on track as much as I would have liked but I haven't completely failed either. I have been so consumed with worries about money and getting a job that I haven't felt like blogging. I think that is why I have let my emotions interfere with my food choices quite a bit lately. I know it is just my brain trying to make itself feel better. I am really not in much of a mood to write tonight because I am quite tired. Last night I had a wicked case of insomnia and all day today I have felt subdued and rather heavy in the mind. I am going to get horizontal in my bed and watch a little television in a few minutes but I figured I should at least put a small entry on my blog.
Good night. Thank you God for today even if I couldn't seem to get rolling. Tomorrow will be better. :-)